CLOSURE

Just read a friend's blog and i found myself relating to her really well. She had broken up with her boyfriend just before the holidays and it wasn't because they didn't love each other anymore but rather, because they didn't see a future together. They felt/knew it for some time but didn't want to end the relationship because after all, they have been together for over a year and i think it would be painful to let go. But i guess time built up all the uneasiness and un-comfortableness living a lie, they couldn't keep lying to themselves and eventually, they chose to let go. I think it's awfully sad but ok, i'm no better.


She talked about spending her supposed monthsary being single after almost 2 years, how she felt, how she's trying to slowly get used to not having him around anymore, how she's no longer going to have dates after school, how she's trying to pick herself up, trying to move on and reading it, i felt very happy for her and at the same time, envious. Envious of how she can be so truthful to herself as well as everyone else. I just always choose to clam up and numb the feelings away. But you know those feelings never truly go away until a long time later if it had mattered. It has been a while, more than 6 weeks to be exact, but i think im still holding it in, sometimes feeling it claw at me but im afraid that the moment i let myself go for just that little bit, i won't stop for a long time.


*I believe this is the first time i'm opening myself up on any social media platform.*


Even till now, when friends bring the topic up i still always find myself feeling stuck(?) initially. Like i still find it difficult when the topic is touched. So, here it is. The conclusion. I decided to let the relationship go not because i didn't love him anymore or because i didn't see a future together but because i woke up one day and realised he is actually never going to move from his spot. He is never going go that extra mile or even metre for me. He is never going to be more. He is never going to fight for me, for us. And i don't think i only deserve this much.


I suppose i have known those truths all along, i just chose to be optimistic and hoped things would pick up eventually. But nope. So, he left me hanging with no questions, no closure, and damn i'll be lying if i told you it doesn't bother me. BECAUSE I AM SO BOTHERED. But i am done waiting, done hoping, done asking myself why. Like Allan said, maybe only i can give myself the closure i seek and on that note, it will be that 'I had a great 2 years with you. Thank you for that chapter, now it's time to move on to greater things.'


I would like to believe that sometimes good things fall apart so that better things can fall together. My wound is still healing but i feel so much better and lighter now. Ok, time to get back to getting work done.